Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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