i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
