I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
