also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
