just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
