I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
