Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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