so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
