What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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