if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
