I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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