every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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