Say something about gay babies.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
