That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
