If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
