nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
