Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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