Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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