I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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