he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
