sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize