was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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