shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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