Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
