So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
