It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
