I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
