It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
