if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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