How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
