his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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