She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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