you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
