wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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