take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How does one acquire holy water?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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