hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
