the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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