i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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