Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
