two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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