if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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