New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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