if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
