i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
