I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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