He uses pillows to masturbate.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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