i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
