I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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