he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize