Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize