my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
