So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
