I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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