I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Randomize
