By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
