Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
