So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
