I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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