There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
